


Don’t Teach Cabbages to Talk

by HinaLuvLuvChan



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: A little bit anyway, Crack, Gen, Please don’t take this seriously, Well - Freeform, also Katara and Aang call each other sweetie and honey cause it’s cannon, hinted Aang/Katara/Zuko, i was drunk writing this sorry, its a belated birthday present, just the one I guess, legit my fave pairing, like forreal this is all crack, rabbits keep humping stuff, talking cabbages who want to take over the world, yeah I’m not joking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:47:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27119770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HinaLuvLuvChan/pseuds/HinaLuvLuvChan
Summary: He watched the cabbage hop out of the cart it was residing in. It seemed sentient; screaming as someone inspected it and running away right after. He’d normally be upset about things like this, but after residing in the same city as the Avatar for years he just decided to accept it and move on. If he ignored that rabbit trying to copulate with the vegetables then he could pretend his life was normal.
Relationships: Aang and Katara and Zuko, Aang/Katara/Zuko (Avatar), Sokka/Suki (Avatar)
Kudos: 2





	Don’t Teach Cabbages to Talk

**Author's Note:**

> This is a happy belated (really...really...really belated...) birthday present!! Happy Birthday! Love ya!  
> Please understand that this was all alcohol induced, and it is not to be taken seriously. It’s pure crack, and I’m not sure how I feel about it now that I’m sober. But, drunk me thought it was hilarious so fuck it.  
> She wanted an AtLA story with Iroh and a cute Bunny and... this kinda happened. ...enjoy.

He watched the cabbage hop out of the cart it was residing in. It seemed sentient; screaming as someone inspected it and running away right after. He’d normally be upset about things like this, but after residing in the same city as the Avatar for years he just decided to accept it and move on. If he ignored that rabbit trying to copulate with the vegetables then he could pretend his life was normal.




The night was no longer young and Yue was watching over all, but that didn’t stop the noises that were keeping the young Avatar out of his rest. He tossed and turned, putting a pillow over one ear and then trying both at the same time. It didn’t work.

Nighttime was no longer silent; the evening breeze was filled with murmurs, conversations, and sometimes screams. There was no explanation as to how, but cabbages were acting like they wanted to try ruling the world on word at a time.

And didn’t that just make absolutely no sense. But yes, cabbages now seemed to be alive and were able to converse with people. It was very hard for those who ate vegetables to survive and Aang almost puked when he’d been told to buzz off by a certain rugged looking cabbage that he could almost imagine the large hair and cigarette hanging from the lips. But someone like Sokka seemed to be fine, meat eater that he was.

Katara and Zuko had almost cried with laughter when another cabbage had cried at Toph picking it up and remarking how fat it was, only because Aang had had to console the stupid thing for an hour afterwards. Aang didn’t know if he’d be able to eat anything other than ice cubes ever again.

He almost cried as he tried blocking out the noise for the rest of the night.




The next morning Aang met the others with bags under his eyes.

“You know,” Sokka started, “the last time I saw you look like this was when we were going to attack Ozai on the eclipse. Did you get any sleep at all last night?”

Aang’s eye twitched. “Yes, Sokka, I was able to sleep wonderfully through hundreds of voices talking about world domination. They’re all coming up with the best way to cook your flesh, and it’s great learning the many ways your meat can tenderize. This definitely made me rethink my vegetarian lifestyle.” Katara snorted and Zuko coughed into his hand as Sokka tried crying to a non-caring Suki.

After she’d calmed down, Katara looked at him. “Sweetie, do you think a spirit is doing this? I really don’t understand how vegetables could come to life like this.”

Aang shook his head. “There’s been nothing in the spirit world about this. I really don’t know,” he mumbled out with a shrug. “It has to be a spirit but I couldn’t tell you which one.”

Sokka laughed as he pointed to Aang. “The Cabbage Lord has gotten angry with those who stray from the delicacy of meat! You all need to repent and gnaw on the bone of punishment!”

Everyone stared at Sokka for a moment before a stump grew out of the ground, making him fly about twenty feet before landing face down, butt up. As a unit everyone else turned to Toph who shrugged.

“There’s only one true lord,” she grinned maliciously, “and that’s Melon Lord.”




Iroh looked around the tree, trying to find it once more.

“Sir! If we don’t hurry we’ll be late for National Tea Day! Please! The Fire Lord will have my head!”

Iroh smiled after the young man in a Fire Nation Army uniform. “Don’t worry, my nephew won’t be too worried about me. He knows I have my own reasons for doing things.Besides,” he smiled as he tried following the creature through the brush, “we have plenty of time. At full speed it should only take less than a day to reach the capital, and we still have four days.”

Big ears became visible behind a branch. “Now, may I ask what it is you hide from?” A smile appeared on his face as two large earstwitched. The small nose sniffed as two paws hopped closer to the old man.

The smile quickly faded as the legs wrapped around one of his legs and moved in a pattern familiar to those of spring love. He glanced down and immediately regretted it. The animal was making a face that he never wanted to remember; biting his lip and scrunching up his eyes as his hips moved up and down. The young Fire Nation solder was staring in bewilderment, unsure if this was normal but not wanting to say anything incase it was.

“Well,” Iroh started, ever respectful, “may I ask what your name is?” A polite tone was best used for any of the spirits after all.

The animals hips never slowed as it said, “You may call me Usagi. I am the spirit of all small creatures like this one. It may seem like I’m the host of this body but I’m merely borrowing it for the moment.”

Iroh nodded seriously, hand going to grab his chin in contemplation. “I see, that does make sense Master Usagi. But, if I may ask,” he glanced down at the rabbit that seemed like it’d never stop moving his hips, “why do you act like this?”

Usagi looked up at Iroh, glowering as much as a small animal could, “My Other Half has cursed me, and I’m stuck in this body for now until I’ve repented for whatever mistake she thinks I’ve committed this time.” 

The Fire Nation soldier just quietly stared as Iroh nodded his head in acceptance. He gave a large sigh as he turned around to ready the carriage for their extra passenger.




The Gaang just looked on in wonder at this rabbit that had jumped immediately from Iroh’s leg to Zuko’s (which, when asked why, the creature has just mumbled something about the same bloodline in a younger generation which just grossed everyone out after that).

Aang sighed as he messaged his temple. “Let me get this straight. Your wife got mad you went off on your own so she cursed you with a never ending sexual appetite and since the closest consensual thing to you when it hit you, in the body you’re now stuck in, was the cabbages? And since you decided to just go in quite a few fields there are now magic induced cabbages that won’t go back to normal until you either ride out this curse and it fades, or your wife undoes it? Is that correct?”

Usagi nodded from his position on Zuko‘s leg. “I’d cancel the curse myself if I could, but from the beginning my Other Half’s magic and mine can’t undo the others. A gift and curse all in one if I may say so myself.” Aang wanted to hit his head on the nearest wall from how proud the Usagi sounded of the fact.

“Excuse me,” Katara piped up from her seat with the others, “but can I ask why she did this?”

Usagi looked at her, his hips never stopping, Zuko the definition of decorum in his ignoring skills as he just sipped his tea. “She got mad that I left to go on an adventure without her.”

Everyone just stared at him.

“So...,” Katara said slowly, “she’s just pouting?” Usagi nodded.

Toph laughed out loud. “Aang! Zuko! Looks like you guys aren’t allowed to do anything without Katara! You never know what she might do to you!” Zuko spat out his tea while Aang turned bright red; Katara just seemed to contemplate something while Sokka shoved his head into Suki’s chest who was pretending to console him while rolling her eyes.

Katara put her chin in her hand while she mumbled out loud, “So if we made a sincere apology do you think she’d take the curse off of you and take you back?”

Usagi’s hips stopped for a moment as he thought about her question before he nodded. “Definitely.”

Everyone stared as a moment later Usagi was sailing across the room after Katara had kicked him off Zuko’s leg with an irritated face. “No wonder she cursed you.” Zuko and Aang just gulped in unison.




It was a few nights later that everything had been finished. It’d taken them time to gather all the cabbages in and around the city, and then there was also the music and fireworks prepared while they’d had two large rabbit wooden statues made. Usagi still refused to leave Zuko’s leg for whatever reason, but it stilled it’s movements and was much more polite when Katara was around.

No one outside of the small group knew what the random festival was actually for, but it was still an enjoyable evening and the citizens all enjoyed something new. The fireworks went off without a hitch, and even the cabbages had all started singing love songs, although no one knew who’d actually taught them (but everyone secretly blamed Toph because she seemed oddly proud).

The Gaang walked through the city, people looking at them in awe, and then confusion as everyone’s eyes would eventually come to rest on Zuko’s leg. Katara and Aang kept a constant guard on Zuko and Usagi (although everyone guessed that Aang was there less to keep an eye on Usagi and more to make sure that Katara wouldn’t do something else, read:  again , that could potentially insult Usagi or his wife).

“Usagi-sama,” Katara spoke, an eery smile on her face, “do you have any idea when your dear wife might show up? We’d like to ask for her blessing to fix our vegetables.”

Usagi’s hips stilled as he sniffed the air. He turned his head towards the forest outside of the city and said, “She might already be waiting.” And then jumped off Zuko’s leg and almost sprinted away. Aang quickly followed, Toph on his heels, while Katara inspected Zuko’s leg to make sure there was no rash or rawness on his skin.

“Umm...,” he quietly mumbled to only Katara as Sokka and Suki had ambled away, uninterested now that they couldn’t tease Zuko anymore, “shouldn’t we go after Aang and Toph? What if they need our help?”

Katara gave a loud sigh as she stood back up, satisfied that Zuko’s leg wasn’t hurt in any way, “Aang’s got it, and Toph probably just wanted something to laugh about. If the Avatar can’t fix problems for the spirits,” then she turned to the side with a disgusted face as she mumbled, “even if it is about their marriage and them acting like complete morons,” before turning back to Zuko with a large innocent smile, “then I don’t know what the point of having an Avatar that’s supposed to be the bridge between worlds could be.”

Zuko looked at Katara, a spike of fear crawling up his spine before he offered her his arm. “Right. Well. Would you like to accompany me to play some festival games and enjoy the shows till the others come back?”

Katara immediately grabbed his arm but looked thoughtful. “When Aang comes back then the three of us can enjoy it all, together.”

Zuko looked away, a slight flush on his cheeks that Katara smiled at. “Yes, that sounds enjoyable.”




Aang was running after Usagi, trying to stay as positive and polite as possible. While Katara wasn’t actually that offensive to Usagi, Aang was still the Avatar and held himself to a higher standard when it came to the spirits.

Which is why he was so worried about Toph following him. He puffed out a burst of air in a quick sigh and glanced back at the girl who seemed to glide on the rocks as she ran. He noticed she had a slight smirk and he felt a rather large sweat drop form as he thought about what she might do if given the chance.

Usagi jerked to a stop about a mile into the forest and then looked around, sniffing as he walked, hips jerking into the air.

Toph came to a stop right next to Aang and tilted her head. “What is he even doing? It feels like he’s just humping the air?”

Aang rubbed his face. “Yeah. He’s just sniffing around, but he won’t stop with the humping. I know he said he has a huge sex drive from the curse but this is ridiculous.”

Toph snickered as her and Aang stood off to the side waiting for Usagi to do something. He seemed to just amble around in the same spot in a rough circle for a few moments before he gave a large sigh.

“Wife, please come out and speak to me. I’ve deeply repented and have learned my lesson. Whenever I do something fun I’ll be sure to wait until you’re available before venturing out. Also, we have a guest,” his eyes glanced back towards the duo, “the young Avatar wishes to meet you.”

Aang and Toph held their breath as a thick breeze flowed through the trees, and then a beautiful young woman walked out from behind the trees, clothes flowing around her.

“Oh my,” she said, hand on her mouth in surprise, “the Avatar really is here! You know,” she said with a smile, ignoring the pouting Usagi, “I had quite the crush on your past life. If it hadn’t been for the fact that she was the Avatar I’d have convinced the other Spirits to help me have her become a spirit herself so I’d always be with her.” She put her cheek in her palm as she smiled while she seemed to be remembering something.

They turned to Usagi as he gave a little cough. “Yes,” he mumbled out, disgruntled, “while that’s all fine and good,” he seemed to give Aang a dirty look which Toph could feel and it made her cackle, “the curse you’ve inflicted upon me is upsetting our young friend here so we’ve come to find you to ask if you could remove it. I am sorry,” he hopped over to his wife, nose twitching, a truly repentant look on his face, “I didn’t mean to leave you alone while I went out and about.”

She opened her arms, letting him jump in them as she sighed. “Very well. I wanted to play with you a bit, but if it’s truly upsetting our dear Avatar then I’ll remove it.”

She gave the little nose a kiss and a bright light enveloped the two of them. Aang had to look away for a moment, and then when he looked back a handsome young man was standing there.

He turned to the two of them and bowed. “I’m really very sorry about this. Everything will now be back to normal, and this won’t happen again.”

Aang smiled as he held up his hands in a placating manner. “It’s fine. This wasn’t anything huge, just a small prank, really. But still, thank you, I’ll be happy to eat my much appreciated food again without it yelling at me.”

Usagi lifted his head. “And please apologize to your friend and his uncle for me about the manner in which I acted. It was rather...hard...to control mysel.” Toph was bent at her waist with laughter, unintelligible word escaping her wheezes.

Usagi’s Wife walked over to Aang with a smile and cupped his face in her hands. “Your soul is still as beautiful as it was when I last saw you. If only your heart wasn’t taken by others I’d convince you to remain with me.”

Aang felt his face flush an unbelievable crimson as he smiled while everyone ignored Usagi grumbling in the background. She smiled and embraced him as she whispered in his ear, “We’ll meet again, be happy dear one.”




Katara and Zuko were sitting in a bench together, relaxing and occasionally talking to the random citizen that wanted to greet their Lord and Master Water Bender to give their well wishes during the festival.

Katara was the first to notice them while Zuko was looking down at her wrist, trying to properly tie something on it. “Aang! Toph! How’d it go?”

Aang opened his mouth but was interrupted by a laugh from Toph. “Lil’ Twinkle Toes over here,” she choked out while thrusting her thumb in his direction, “seduced that Usagi’s wife and she undid the curse cause she felt bad about hurting his feelings!”

Zuko’s eyebrow raised as he turned to Aang. “Really?” He mumbled out while Aang vehemently tried to deny it. 

“Oh. Is that so?” The three turned to Katara’s all too kind smile. Aang’s face drastically paled, his eyes widening. “Zuko, dear, I do believe that you and I have plans to enjoy the rest of the festival.” She stood up, calm and reserved, dusting off her skirt, then turned in Aang and Toph’s direction with that same smile. “Aang, sweetie, I hope you have a fun evening.”

Zuko looked in Aang’s direction with a quirked smile, held out his arm for Katara to take, and then followed her lead.

Aang ran after the two, stammering out explanations, not even noticing the conspiring look the two held with each other, as Toph’s laugh bellowed into the night. 


End file.
